Suggestion #1 on Staying Married — Have Kids.
Some people cannot have kids. Some who can have them worry that they might place strain on the marriage rather than strengthen it.
It certainly is so that there are cases in which having kids creates strains. In an overall sense, however, I believe that having kids strengthens the marriage bond.
It’s when you work with your spouse to build something of long-lasting importance that you come to see that person as attaining a significance in your life that no other person could ever attain. Working together to find a home and then furnishing it and keeping it in repair does that. So does planning a vacation. So does creating a financial plan and updating it regularly.
Nothing does this like having kids.
It is my recollection that even J.R. Ewing’s marriage to Sue Ellen lasted longer than it otherwise would have because of the kids. J.R. was a cartoon-character bad guy. But even he had hopes for his kids. And even he couldn’t deny that his wife had something to do with the reality of them showing up in the photos taken of the family living at Southfork.
Suggestion #2 on Staying Married — Take Long Walks.
Marriage is a struggle in modern days because the pace of change is so swift. If you change careers or if you change interests, it can cause changes in how you relate to the person who fell in love with the old you.
We can’t avoid change. So we need to keep our spouses apprised of the changes that we are going through. That happens in long uninterrupted conversations. Long walks are good for this. Or long drives. Or dinners out.
Suggestion #3 on Staying Married — Don’t Lose Your Religion.
I’m using the word “religion” in a broad sense here. The other way to protect against the damage that can be brought on by too much change is to stay rooted to the beliefs that you had before you got to where you now are.
It bothers me when someone like Frank Sinatra ditches the person who was standing behind him when he was a nobody. I don’t mean just that I see it as a moral violation. I also think that someone like Sinatra hurts himself when he turns on his past. Part of the fun of making it is knowing inside that you remain a skinny kid from Hoboken. You need to stay rooted to that stuff or you lose not only a spouse but important connections to yourself as well.
Suggestion #4 on Staying Married — Appreciate Paradox.
My wife and I have very different personalities. This makes for a great marriage when things are going well because she is strong in the areas where I am weak and I am strong in the areas where she is weak. However, there are times when it causes communication problems. There are times when I just do not make any sense! Well, the reality is that at times she just does not make any sense, but I am bending over backwards to be diplomatic here.
What to do? What to do?
I have to accept that I married her because she is so different, that she supplies me with a way of looking at the world that I am not able to tap into on my own. There are some moments at which this is a bit harder to pull off than it is at some other moments.
The best strategy that I have come up with is to appreciate paradox. In a moment at which your spouse is doing something that is not something that you would do, you will be tempted not to acknowledge his or her good points. You need to play it just the other way. Make a special effort to point out the good stuff just at the moment when the crazy stuff is making a memorable appearance.
Doing this will often not entirely defuse a tense situation. It almost always helps. It can sometimes make you laugh to acknowledge how great your spouse is at a moment when he or she is driving you nuts. It makes you laugh because the paradox of greatness (in your eyes) and craziness (in your eyes) is so absurd.
Your spouse might not even get it. But he or she will be grateful that you are making an effort to be fair. And seeing the humor of things will undercut any anger you feel.
Don’t require your spouse to be the one to point to his or her good points. That’s your job! Don’t ever let yourself be taken in by the crazy idea that it goes against your interests to undercut your side of the argument. No! An argument with your spouse is an argument with another side of yourself. This is not a courtroom encounter. You truly want both sides to win.
Suggestion #5 on Staying Married — Don’t Duck Stuff That Cannot Be Forever Ducked.
I’m a talker. I find it hard to duck stuff. Sometimes that’s bad. Some things are better off ducked.
There are some things that cannot be ducked, however. That stuff you want to face down as soon after it is uncovered as is possible. Of course the tricky part is being able to distinguish the one sort of issue from the other.
I like to tackle things. I do it too much. The good side of this tendency is that successfully resolving an issue leads to a greater level of intimacy. I’ve seen this happen numerous times.
Suggestion #6 on Staying Married — Write Life Plans.
There’s an article elsewhere at the “The Self-Directed Life” section of the site on “Financial Intimacy.” It bums me that money advisors so often observe that money differences kill many marriages.
I don’t doubt that this is so. The other side of the story needs to be told. When a couple works together on money issues, it strengthens the marriage. Money differences should not always be viewed as creating problems. Money differences can create problems. Money differences can also create solutions. View your effort to attain financial goals as akin to climbing mountains together. It’s hard work, but it’s fun work, and it’s work that can bring you closer to your partner in the wonderful adventure.
Suggestion #7 on Staying Married — Don’t Ever Crush Someone’s Dream.
Say that you need to move to keep your job. Say that that means that she has to move too and that that means that she has to make a career sacrifice.
Sometimes it works out like that. Sometimes there are no totally fair solutions to a problem.
It it has to be that way, it has to be that way. If it’s no big deal to her (or to him), then forget about it. If it is a big deal, do not forget that there needs to be a make-up for the step backwards she (or he) was required to make. If career success is a dream, you must be certain not to do anything to crush the dream.
Your spouse has different sorts of dreams than you do. One of the benefits of writing a Life Plan is that it helps you learn what they are. Do not forget. Distinguish the things that are important from the things that are not. You cannot make a fuss over every little thing. You must make a fuss over things that your spouse sees as part of his or her conception of what comprises The Good Life.
Suggestion #8 on Staying Married — Don’t Be a Wimp.
I don’t think you can solve differences by always giving in. Your spouse married you for a reason. He or she wants you to be you, not another him or her.
It’s sad to see marriages fail because one party tried too hard to avoid frictions. Living things create friction. The way it is. Always show respect and warmth. But don’t hold back from putting up a fight when that is what is required. The seesaw works only when both riders bring their weight to bear at the appropriate moments.
Suggestion #9 on Staying Married — Don’t Force Solutions.
I don’t think it is healthy to avoid the discussion of problems. I also do not think it is healthy to insist on finding solutions to problems.
Some problems can be solved quickly. Some hang around for a time. Again, the way it is.
One benefit of adopting a practice of not forcing solutions to problems is that doing so will make it less likely that you will feel tempted to ignore problems until they become unmanageable. One of the reasons why people avoid discussions of problems is that they believe that problems discussed must be solved and they fear that no solutions are available. If no solutions are immediately available, no solutions are immediately available. Talk the problem over, then put it aside for a bit.
It might solve itself. You might forget about it. You might come up with a good solution later on.
Suggestion #10 on Staying Married — Remember That Everyone Has Troubles.
We all know this. We all are tempted to believe in the picture that another couple presents to the world, a picture that suggests that their marriage is the one without troubles. If you start thinking that some have figured out a way to make this easy, you are playing mind games that can cause your confidence in your marriage to falter.
Keep the focus on your marriage and on the Life Goals of the two people that comprise that marriage. Comparisons with other marriages and the spouses that comprise other marriages rarely help.
Suggestion #11 on Staying Married — See the Value in the Testing Process.
You don’t get paid in dollars for the work you put into a marriage. That can make you want to throw up your hands.
You get paid in a different way. Each test of your love teaches you something and makes you a stronger person in some way. A life without struggle is a life that doesn’t go anywhere.
It would be asking a lot to ask you to enjoy the struggle. I ask you to understand that there’s a payoff and that the payoff goes beyond just preserving the marriage.
Suggestion #12 on Staying Married — De-Emphasize Gifts.
The usual advice is to buy her flowers after you have an argument. Does anyone actually fall for that?
If she likes flowers, there’s something to be said for buying flowers, argument or no argument. To resolve an argument, say the words that need to be said to put any hurt feelings behind you. Don’t let the flowers do the talking. You do the talking, Big Guy!